Bite-Size Wisdom Redux

by Jim Freund

             I came upon an obit earlier this month for H. Jackson Brown Jr., the author of Life’s Little Instruction Book. It noted that from 1991 to 1994 his book had ruled the New York Times “advice, how-to and miscellaneous” best seller list – for a while being No. 1 in both hardcover and paperback simultaneously.

             About a decade ago, I gleaned from Brown’s book a bunch of aphorisms to use in an essay. To honor his memory today, I’ve decided to again share with my friends some of his good advice, this time including my own commentary on a number of them.

             Let me begin by revisiting to one of Mr. Brown’s maxims that I used in the prior essay to point up the merit of his approach. Here’s how I put it:

  I’m convinced that the ability to express some bit of folk wisdom in succinct terms is nothing to be sneezed at. Sure, I could say something along these lines to my sons: “You know, there will probably be times in your life when a friend who’s not doing so well asks you to help him out with a loan. You’ll be tempted to accommodate him, but my experience has been that there’s a good chance you’ll never be repaid. And even if you can live with that financial outcome, his inability to extinguish the debt might prove such a source of shame to your friend that he no longer seeks out your company.”

  Or, I could say to my son, a la Mr. Brown:

BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT LENDING MONEY TO FRIENDS.

YOU MIGHT LOSE BOTH.

Much better.

What I’ve done in this offering is select 33 additional maxims that I haven’t previously used and comment on them. Although they’re not my original work, they do resonate with me, and I hope they will with you also.

SMILE A LOT, IT COSTS NOTHING AND IS BEYOND PRICE.

            In my prior excursion into Brown’s maxims, I encountered the following similar dictum: When you feel terrific, notify your face. I had always assumed I’d done just that, but upon further review, experienced some doubts. For instance, although a number of my happiest moments occur while seated at the piano, I noticed that photos of me playing often captured an unfortunate dour expression. I can see I still have some work to do here.

LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT IN THE DOWN POSITION

It sounds like Mr. Brown has held a conversation with my wife . . . .

WHEN PLAYING GAMES WITH CHILDEN, LET THEM WIN.

             I understand what Brown has in mind here, but I’m not completely in his camp. In terms of the competitive tennis matches I played with my sons during their teenage years, although the temptation was sometimes powerful, I never took a dive to deliberately let them beat me. I felt they ought to earn their victories, which shouldn’t be handed to them through purposeful miscues on their father’s part (something that had irritated me decades before with my own father) – miscues that they were old and wise enough to be able to recognize. Then, when they finally started to prevail (as they did), not only were they in a position to exult, but also I felt great about it as marking a special moment in my father-son relationships.

RESIST TELLING PEOPLE HOW SOMETHING SHOULD BE DONE.

INSTEAD, TELL THEM WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

THEY WILL OFTEN SURPRISE YOU WITH CREATIVE SOLUTIONS.

 Interesting.

GIVE PEOPLE A SECOND CHANCE, BUT NOT A THIRD.

Oh, I like this one.

HAVE A GOOD POSTURE. ENTER A ROOM WITH PURPOSE AND CONFIDENCE

            As my mother was passing the century mark, I visited with her just about every other day. Each day, upon my departure, as I began walking out her bedroom door – no matter how tired or uncomfortable she may have felt at the time – I heard her intone those familiar words, loud and clear: “Stand up straight! Head up! Shoulders back!” She knew her stuff – and also appreciated that this advice is not limited to when one enters a room, but also applies in exiting.

LEARN TO DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE.

Right on.

DON’T BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY ASK YOU TO BE HONEST WITH THEM.

            When I first read this, I thought Mr. Brown was telling us not to trust people who say they’re going to be honest with us, and then don’t live up to it. But this is different. It’s aimed at a guy who asks you for your honest opinion about something he has said or done – but let’s face it, if your response is going to run the wrong way, he really doesn’t want to hear it.

BE YOUR WIFE’S BEST FRIEND.

I absolutely second that, and have worked hard to make it happen.

WEAR OUT, DON’T RUST OUT

 I think I like this one, but I’m not sure exactly what it means.

NEVER ENCOURAGE ANYONE TO BECOME A LAWYER.

            I’ve been known to violate this advice on occasion, when I meet (or better yet, observe in action) someone whom I can tell would make a good attorney – but I rarely prosletyze for the profession. What I do more often, when someone tells me they’re thinking of attending law school, is advise them to do so only if they’re willing to spend at least a few years in legal practice after graduation, following which they can then decide whether to stick with the profession or not. If you’re not willing to do that, I say, then don’t go to law school, because it’s damn difficult and what you learn there isn’t particularly helpful in any other area.

NEVER ASK A LAWYER OR ACCOUNTANT FOR BUSINESS ADVICE.

THEY ARE TRAINED TO FIND PROBLEMS, NOT SOLUTIONS.

That may have merit in some cases, but I must distance myself (both personally and for my former firm) from it in terms of lawyers. My firm and I prided ourselves on not only finding and analyzing the problem but also generating advice (often more business-oriented than legal) on how to solve it. That’s why we grew from 15 or so lawyers when I came aboard in 1966 to well over a thousand by the time I retired thirty years later in 1996.

WHEN FACING A DIFFICULT TASK, ACT AS THOUGH IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FAIL.

IF YOU’RE GOING AFTER MOBY DICK, TAKE ALONG THE TARTAR SAUCE.

 I love it.

SLOW DANCE

             I can remember being instructed on how to do this as a budding teenager back in the immediate post-war years (that’s World War II, by the way). My mother made me attend a co-ed dancing school at which the guys had to wear jackets, ties, and white gloves, and were addressed by the woman in charge as “Master [your last name].” I can still remember the day when my attractive partner and I slowly waltzed by her – me confident in my prowess – and heard her bellow in a loud voice audible to all present, “MASTER FREUND, you’re dancing too close!”  As for my wife Barbara, who hails from a younger rock generation and can dance up a storm solo, nothing slow and partner-wise has seemed to work too well – except for one magical night many years ago in a romantic Hong Kong hotel . . . .

LET YOUR CHILDREN OVERHEAR YOU SAYING COMPLIMENTARY THINGS

ABOUT THEM TO OTHER ADULTS.

 I like this.

KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A STICK SHIFT.

             This reminds me of one of my most agonizing moments. When I graduated high school, my friend Paul and I took a two-month auto excursion across America. We ended up in Montreal, where one of our high school classmates, Norm, lived.

           One night Norm hosted a party to which he invited a number of lively local French-Canadian girls. I hesitate to categorize them, but let’s just say they were a lot more sophisticated than us guys (other than Norm). But we did our best to look like we knew what the hell we were doing. At the evening’s end, Norm asked me to drive two of them back to their homes, and he loaned me his car to make the trip.

  The problem was that it was a stick shift car, and I’d never driven one. All my meager driving experience had been with – what did we call them? – hydromatic or fluid drives that had no clutch and didn’t require the shifting of gears. But I was too ashamed to plead incompetence to Norm or to the girls, so I gave it a try.

  It turned out to be one of my most embarrassing hours. I tried mightily to shift gears and manipulate the clutch – but all that I managed to accomplish was to stall the car at least a dozen times en route. And meanwhile, the girls were sitting in the back seat, laughing uproariously at my ineptitude, and commenting in French on my questionable manhood – mon dieu, I can’t go on ....

SPEND LESS TIME WORRYING WHO’S RIGHT

AND MORE TIME DECIDING WHAT’S RIGHT.

 Good stuff.

TURN OFF THE TELEVISION AT DINNER TIME

             Not in our house. Throughout the day, Barbara has been busy talking about business matters and conversing with friends. All she wants to do while we eat dinner is watch Madame Sec or Blue Bloods on TV, rather than have to schmooze with me (even though I usually haven’t been talking much with anybody during most of those prior hours).

ATTEND CLASS REUNIONS

            I’m a solid subscriber on this count, having attended all my college and high school reunions – and, in more recent years, even a few from law school.

KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A TIRE

 I never did master this. Fortunately, the new ones don’t blow out as often.

KNOW HOW TO TIE A BOW TIE

Forget that – I’m even having trouble nowadays tieing a regular tie, since they seldom seem required any more.

WHISTLE

  My father whistled often, and I sometimes do too. I even whistled the entire chorus of Come Dance With Me on one of my albums. BUT, for the life of me, I still can’t stick two fingers in my mouth and produce a blood-curdling shriek in appreciation  of someone’s performance (as my niece Alexis can do so handily) . . .

ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES

Why does this seem so hard for some people to do? (Not for me, of course, since I so rarely make one . . .)

REMEMBER PEOPLE’S NAMES.

It’s worthwhile, but I’m terrible on this count.

GIVE TO CHARITY ALL THE CLOTHES YOU HAVEN’T WORN

DURING THE PAST THREE YEARS.

Charities won’t reap much benefit from yours truly on this score. For me to willingly discard any unused article of my clothing is a rarity – it invariably requires a concerted push by my wife. I keep thinking that one of these years my waistline will shrink back to 36 (or at least 38), and then I’ll re-contact all those stylish pairs of pants just sitting there in the back of the closet, poised to re-emerge.

KEEP YOUR WATCH FIVE MINUTES FAST

 Barbara does this, I don’t, and we’re occasionally out-of-sync.

USE YOUR WIT TO AMUSE, NOT ABUSE.

 Well said.

BE FORGIVING OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS

            There has been a lot of talk over the years about forgiving others, but for my money, the guts of this tidbit is the advice to be “forgiving of yourself.” In other words, stop stewing in your own juice. Don’t get mired in a depressed state over some mistake, misjudgment, or error that you’ve made – just acknowledge it to yourself (and anyone else involved), vow not to repeat the misstep, and then move on.

ASK FOR A RAISE WHEN YOU FEEL YOU’VE EARNED IT.

  If you posed this proposition to my son Erik, I’m sure he would reply that Mr. Brown borrowed it from Erik’s loving grandmother, Marcy.  In fact, upon her passing he included this recognition in his eulogy.

 “Marcy was a true support to me while I was growing up and throughout my life. She accepted me for who I am and would encourage me to STAND TALL and have confidence in myself. For instance, Marcy mentioned many times to me that I was so valuable to my various employers that I should demand a raise so that I could take better care of my family.”

TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE WITHOUT BEING TOLD.

 I’m okay here with the first four words, but somehow I invariably flunk the test posed by the last three.

NEVER MENTION BEING ON A DIET.

– except occasionally to get a good laugh. I remember one year when my sister-in-law introduced the two of us to a little-known diet, which consisted of eating and drinking as much as you wanted, and of whatever quality, as long as you devour it all in less than one hour from start to finish. You should have seen us when we dined out with others – postponing our wine service, pre-ordering dessert, checking our watches, then wolfing down the food – and thoroughly enjoying the raucous chuckles we elicited from everyone else in attendance. (P.S. I soon had to give that diet up because I was gaining too much weight in literal compliance.)

LEARN THREE CLEAN JOKES

Yeah – but not altogether inoffensive ones. Jokes that are a little edgy rate among my favorites, like this one:

A shipment of husbands had just arrived in heaven. St. Peter, anxious to speed up the processing, said, “I want all the husbands who acted like mice in their homes on earth to form a line on the right. Those of you who were truly kings in your own castle, step to the left.”

 The men went to their places. The line of henpecked husbands stretched beyond the horizon. Only one man stood in the other line.

 St. Peter asked the man, “Are you sure you belong on the macho line?”

The man answered, “I don’t know, but this is where my wife told me to stand . . . .”

*  *  *

            Thanks for the advice, Mr. Brown, and Godspeed.