Couples Counseling Redux
by Jim Freund
© April 2021
TED
My eyes are riveted on the 5x7 color print in a box of old photos I’ve recently come across.
It’s a snapshot of Mike and Wanda, taken in Bermuda about two years ago. I can recall them sending me the print while they were celebrating the successful conclusion of an informal couples counseling I had conducted to save their marriage. The words “with our thanks” are inked onto the lower part of the print. They look very happy in their helmets, perched atop a shared motor scooter.
Prior to meeting them, I was a mediator by profession, helping to resolve commercial disputes. Since my own divorce a year earlier, I’d used that painful experience to try my hand at mediating several divorce settlements. After resolving one of these to everyone’s satisfaction, the husband took me aside and said, “Ted, if you’re willing, I’d like to recommend you to help friends of mine sort out the problems they’re having in their marriage.”
I pointed out to him that I wasn’t a couples therapist by training or experience, but he seemed convinced I could be good at this and asked me to give it a shot. So I agreed to meet with Mike and Wanda – partly induced, I must admit, by the rather generous fee that Mike, a successful financial executive, had proposed.
It proved not to be such a difficult task. Each of them had several tolerable grievances against the other, which I encouraged them to raise and discuss. Then I offered several suggestions on how to resolve possible problems going forward. And, what do you know, it worked – somewhat to my surprise – and the sessions ended on an upbeat note. I poured a glass of wine for each of us and proposed a toast: “To Wanda and Mike, together forever”. They hugged and kissed each other, shook my hand, and celebrated the occasion by hopping off on that vacation in Bermuda.
But just a few days ago – about two years since the photo was taken – I got a call from Mike. My “together forever” sentiment hadn’t survived. They were at each others’ throats, beset by problems that were far worse than what was troubling them two years ago. They wanted me to help them again. Mike proposed an even more generous fee for my effort – a fee expressly not dependent on the outcome. I’ll be seeing them starting tomorrow.
MIKE
My eyes are riveted on the 5x7 color print in a box of old photos I’ve recently come across.
It’s a snapshot of Wanda and me, taken in Bermuda about two years ago. We’re wearing helmets and sitting atop a shared motor scooter. Just look at Wanda. She was beautiful on even a bad day, but on this day she was particularly scrumptious . . . . We look very happy.
The Bermuda vacation was to celebrate our successful couples counseling with Ted. We had some strains in our first few years of marriage and we’d decided to get help before they became serious.
A friend of ours recommended Ted as a counselor, although he was new to the role. Neither of us knew Ted, which we considered an advantage – making him unlikely to be overly influenced by either spouse. He was a few years older than us, friendly and well-spoken, and his advice made sense. Our minor marital woes were scrubbed away; and we celebrated in Bermuda.
That, however, was two years ago. Unfortunately, things haven’t gone well since then. Our marriage is in real trouble. We decided to make a last-ditch effort to save it, contacted Ted again, and have been meeting with him over the past several weeks.
Ted scheduled most of the sessions to be between himself and just one of us, rather than all three together. He said that this would allow us to be more candid about our problems, which in turn would improve his understanding and enable him to be more helpful with his advice.
In terms of the issues, I complained about how much of my money Wanda was spending on herself, but what the hell – I’m pretty well off and can live with that kind of thing. My main problem, though, which I harped on at length to Ted, was how controlling Wanda has become. Everything had to be done her way. She scorns my views and constantly criticizes my actions. Her favorite term of endearment for me is “you stupid slob!” I feel like I’m suffocating in the marriage.
I’m not sure that Ted took my complaints all that seriously. In fact, I sometimes get the feeling that he’s unfairly siding with her in our discussions.
Wanda no doubt raised with Ted lots of complaints about my behavior. According to him, though, one issue was paramount in her mind. Wanda appeared convinced that I was cheating on her with another woman. She told Ted she had confronted me with that accusation – which she had – and that I vigorously denied it – which I did.
The problem for me here was that she was right. Even though I had gone to great lengths to camouflage it, Wanda had correctly sensed I was having an affair. So when Ted popped the inevitable question to me as I stood up to leave our most recent session – “Are you, or are you not?” – I pretended not to hear and kept going out the door. I needed to decide how to handle this with him.
Adultery, after all, was not a subject I intended to raise with Ted, and so my first instinct was to deny it, just as I did with Wanda. Still, I didn’t like the idea of lying about it to Ted. I thought of “taking the fifth” – replying with something like, “I don’t want to get into that here.” But Ted would surely have viewed this as a tacit admission of guilt, compounding my error of not leveling with him.
And so I’ve decided that I will tell Ted the truth, at our session later today.
WANDA
My eyes are riveted on the 5x7 print in a box of old photos I’ve recently come across.
It’s a snapshot of Mike and me, taken in Bermuda about two years ago, where we’d gone to celebrate the patch-up of our marriage. But that happy look on my face didn’t last long after the Bermuda trip, and things have just gotten worse on a daily basis over these last two years.
I know that money is a frequent cause of marital bickering, but with me it isn’t just a matter of dollars. Mike has plenty of those, and I’ve been helping myself to a fair share. Still, I could see how this was beginning to upset Mike, who has lately been questioning a number of my pricier expenditures. I guess you might say that the idea of accessing my share of his money without having to seek his approval – there’s no pre-nup standing in my way – has eased my level of discomfort about dissolving the marriage, which is something I’m considering.
The real problem is that it’s become obvious to me that Mike is having an affair, and I just can’t stand the idea of that. Not only is he being disloyal, but it’s been making me feel inadequate – as if somehow I haven’t held up my part of the marital alliance.
I’ve confronted Mike several times with my strong suspicion that he hasn’t been faithful. He always denies it, of course. I don’t buy his denials, but I have to admit he’s been cagey about how he conducts the affair, so I can’t directly prove its existence. I guess that’s why I haven’t sought divorce yet. It’s also why I agreed, when Mike suggested it, that we return to Ted’s counseling, which did help the first time around.
The second round with Ted began a few weeks ago, with almost all of the sessions being between himself and just one of us, rather than three together. Ted is a mediator – this counseling role is not his specialty. He said that this was the way he handles his mediations, and it would serve as a means of getting us to be more candid with him.
In one of my sessions with Ted, he told me about Mike’s complaints – that I’m controlling, and critical, just suffocating him, and so on. I admitted to having become less loving recently; but, as for the rest, I told Ted it sounds like Mike is just making up most of the bad stuff.
I’m not sure, though, that Ted fully accepted my dismissal of Mike’s critique of me. Ted’s a good guy, and I feel comfortable talking to him, but I sometimes get the feeling that he’s unfairly siding with Mike on some of these contested issues. Oh, these men . . . . all that clubbiness . . . .
When Ted asked me what my problems were with Mike, I concentrated on my suspicion that he was having an affair – something I just couldn’t put up with. At our last session, Ted said that unless I had an objection, he was going to ask Mike if my suspicion was true. I told Ted to go ahead – Mike knew where I stood. Let’s see what happens now . . . .
TED
At our counseling session earlier today, Mike told me that he was, in fact, having an affair.
We discussed the situation at length. Mike told me that his sole reason was because of the tremendous pressure he was experiencing from Wanda. “Ted,” he said with some fervor, “She’s so controlling . . . . I just badly needed a break.” Mike then added that if by some miracle his relations with Wanda improved – if she became a soul-mate again – he would end the affair.
I must say – and I guess I’m somewhat old-fashioned in this respect – that I can’t condone one spouse deciding to be unfaithful to the other just because he (or she) isn’t happy with the way he (or she) is being treated in the marriage. Still, it was clear to me what had to happen now, given that Mike’s affair was the main problem gnawing at the root of their relationship.
“Mike,” I said, “there’s only one way to save your marriage. You need to clear the air, make a confession to Wanda of your unfaithfulness, and promise to end the affair right now.”
Mike protested. “Wanda is such a control freak and so suffocating,” he said, “that I need to have someone I can talk to, a way to relax.” I could see how Wanda might be a real handful to cope with, but my sense is that Mike is probably overstating things – she can’t be that bad.
So here’s how I replied to Mike: “That may be the way you feel, but I don’t remember hearing anything about suffocation during our sessions two years ago – well before your affair started. Now it’s just her way of getting back at you for what she suspects you’re doing.” I predicted to Mike that once the affair was ended, Wanda would stop being so hard-nosed.
Mike continued to argue, telling me that he thought Wanda really wanted a divorce. “She probably just wants to get a big settlement, which I foolishly failed to protect with a pre-nup.” I told him truthfully that I’d never heard anything on that subject from her.
“What Wanda does say,” I continued, “is that although she wants the marriage to last, she remembers Lady Diana’s famous observation about her own situation – it’s not easy ‘when there are three people in the marriage’.”
Mike said he’d think about it and give me his answer at our next session.
MIKE
I told Ted I’d give him a response today to his advice that to save the marriage, I should admit to Wanda my affair and pledge to end it. I’ve been agonizing over this. I still fear it will just make things worse. But Ted’s a smart guy, he wouldn’t knowingly give me bad advice, and he says it’s the only way to keep things together. So I’ve decided to authorize him to tell Wanda everything.
WANDA
I must say I was surprised during my last session with Ted two weeks ago, when he told me that Mike had admitted his affair and told Ted to pass the admission along to me. Although Ted quoted Mike as saying he would end the affair if that would save the marriage, that just won’t work for me, now that my worst suspicions have been confirmed. I can no longer live with a man who has so blatantly cheated on me, and who then lied about it.
This morning, I filed papers for our divorce, citing Mike’s adultery as the prime cause.
TED
I’m sitting in the small office I have in the new home my second wife and I bought a year ago. I ran across my box of old photographs again, and there was that Bermuda photo of Mike and Wanda taken about five years ago. The photo is now so ironic, given the abrupt ending of that second counseling session three years ago.
Seeing it, however, once again raises the question that’s been haunting me ever since, namely: had I really believed what I said at the time – that telling Wanda of Ted’s admitted adultery was the key to restoring their marriage? If so, how could I have been so wrong? Perhaps if I’d had more experience with counseling I could have come up with some less inflexible approach, but none occurred to me at the time. My advice proved to be so idiotic that it raises the question of whether I really wanted to see them get back together . . . .
I realize now that some portion of my advice to Mike to confess to Wanda reflected the determined way she flagged this issue as the key to their relationship. If I were more cynical, I might speculate that she was manipulating me to help with her exit from the marriage. Mike’s admission did “sanitize” her divorce, allowing her to achieve the best financial settlement when they split. Simply put, I sometimes feel I was used.
At any rate, that abject failure marked the end of my brief flirtation with couples therapy. I really didn’t like doing it. I’ve never handled another such case, returning instead to my professional career as a mediator of commercial disputes with an occasional divorce settlement thrown in. You could say I’ve learned the lesson of never to take on something professionally that you know nothing about – for which I’m paying a big price.
As I flip through some of the other photos in my box, I stop briefly – I’m not sure why – at a shot of my first wife’s wire-haired terrier, racing along the street we lived on, seemingly chasing a car . . . .
Now, the door separating the room of my office from that of my current wife’s study suddenly opens abruptly. Kicking aside a few Hermes boxes in her way, my wife barges into my private quarters, all dolled up to the nines.
“How do you like my new five thousand dollar dress?” Wanda asks. Then she looks around and says, “Hey, Ted, why do you have the goddamn air conditioner on in here? . . . . And just look at the mess on your desk . . . . You stupid slob!”
After Wanda leaves my room, I do the only thing I can think of doing – something I’ve been avoiding for several years now. I pick up my cell phone and tap out the number of Jezebel, my cute-as-hell physical therapist. “Jez,” I say when she answers, “This is Ted. Any chance you’re free for a drink around 5 pm today?” . . . .